I am now a [dot] com. That’s right, you heard me. I’m official? Anyway… it’s still in the building phase but stand by while we build and maybe transfer stuff over.

Things to expect:

More posting
Funnier posting
And some more posting

The reason for this? I am actually paying for it now, so eff off — you better read it.

Frankie the Face palm bear says, “You’re an idiot Fury Blogger”

It’s been a couple of months when I first realized that my son had broken his ceiling fan in his room. So we fast forward to today and of course when you have young boys their rooms are going to eventually smell.

What? Your son doesn’t smell? Oh, well mine does. I have to treat him like he has the bubonic plague after an entire day of playing and running in the mud. He also has a horrible habit of hiding his smelly clothes in places I can’t find them which leads me to this story. STOP JUDGING ME. Anyway…

After a short brainstorming session with myself I had figured out why the ceiling fan wasn’t working. THE FUSE WAS BLOWN! So I reset the fuse box and voila!

I run into his room to check out my awesomeness that is fan fixing and I grab the febreeze, gently point it upwards so it can spread up and then drape the entire room, maximizing the use of the can. Unfortunately the laws of physics were not on my side and the fan kicked the spray right into my eyes. The burning was intense and I screamed, “OH MY GOD THAT WASN’T A WELL THOUGHT OUT PLAN!!! AHHHHHH!!!”

And this has been ‘A Fury Blogger Moment’

Our plans were quickly changed when thunder and lightning started to come out of no where. So we made our way to Best Buy (Daddy’s Disneyland), and she ran straight to the Rockband section.

After the rain had stopped we then quickly went to the outdoor mall at La Cantare and she quickly found the outdoor playground there.

After fits when we had to leave ‘Build-a-Bear Workshop’ and the Food Court where the ice cream was located, her and I went for smoothies over at Smoothie King which by the way are the best smoothies on Earth. Ever. What do we find right next door? That’s right, another video game store and more Rockband!

For those who think you need money to have fun, you’re wrong. All in all it was a great day!

Previous reports from the State Department that U.S. Embassies were paying foreign workers less than $1 a day were said to be inaccurate. The more accurate report of between $3 to $4 a day is now being released.

In all honesty, making $4 a day is definitely a huge salary for those in said countries but would it really be that difficult to pay them $3 an hour, an insanely lesser amount than what poverty stricken employees are making here in the United States. Although I am very against our Empire building, I’m more so against being over there and practically using slave labor. I am also aware it really isn’t that big of a story or even that big of a deal, I’m just pointing out the hilarity that it went from the horrid $1 a day to the acceptable $4 a day amounts.

Disclaimer: I know Bush is no longer President and has nothing to do with anything anymore, but quite frankly I couldn’t find an awesome picture like this of President Obama. Again, not that it’s really any Presidents fault…

I called this lady on the phone to collect on her $100 payment plan for her Hospital bill and this is what took place:

ME: Hi, I’m calling to see if you were ready to pay your bill today by phone.

WOMAN: No, I really wish I could but I can’t. I can’t afford it this month.

VOICE: How May I take your order?

WOMAN: I’d like a 10 piece chicken McNugget meal.

ME: Are you sure you can’t afford it? Are you really sure?

The complete lack of care in peoples lies these days make me a sad panda. It would have been amazing if the conversation went like this:

ME: Hi, I’m calling to see if you were ready to pay your bill today by phone.

WOMAN: No, I really wish I could but I can’t. I can’t afford it this month. I can only afford $25

VOICE: Would you like to add fries to that?

WOMAN: Yes Please.

WOMAN: I can only afford $23

VOICE: Would you like to super size that for a dollar more?

WOMAN: Yes, Please

WOMAN: Is $22 this month OK?

Oi vey

Lyrics for her pleasure:

Looking round the room, I can tell that you.
Are the most beautiful girl in the…room.
(In the whole wide room).
And when you’re on the street, depending on the street.
I bet you are definitely in the top 3.
Good lookin girls on the street.
(Depending on the streets).
And when I saw you at my mate’s place.
I thought…what, is she, doing…at my mate’s place.
How did Dave get a hottie like that to a party like this?
Good one, Dave.
(Ooh, you’re a LEGEND, Dave).

I asked Dave if he’s going to move on you.
He’s not sure.
“Dave, do you mind if I do?”
He says he doesn’t mind.
But I can tell he kind of minds.
But I’m going to do it anyway.

I see you standing all alone by the stereo.
I dim the lights down very low.
You’re so beautiful.
You could be a waitress.
You’re so beautiful.
You could be a air hostess in the 60s.
You’re so beautiful.
You could be a part-time model.
But then I seal the deal, I do my moves.
I do my dance moves.

Lets travel through, just me and you.
As other dudes around you on the dance floor.
I draw you near, lets get out of here.
Lets get in a cab. I’ll buy you a kabob.
I can’t believe. I’m sharing a kabob.
With the most beautiful girl I have ever seen with a kabob.
Oh, why don’t we leave?
Lets go to my house.
We can feel each other up on the couch.
Oh no, I don’t mind taking it slow.

Cause you’re so beautiful…
Like a tree. Or a high class prostitute.
You’re so beautiful.
You could be a part time model.
But you’d probably still have to keep your normal job.
A part time model.
Spend part of your time modeling.
And part of your time next to me.

My place is usually a bit tidier than this.

So, I picked up a delicious Pina Colada smoothie at my local Smoothie King. Freakin’. Awesome. While pulling out of the parking lot this car decides he wanted to cut me off. So with my left hand I jerk the wheel to the left while holding my smoothie in my right hand. After I pass the rude car my wheel slams back to the right and my thumb trusts deep into the Styrofoam cup. I immediately pull-out (hold the jokes, assholes) and my amazing smoothie starts pouring out all over my leg.

So here I am looking like it’s Prom Night all over again, my hands are sticky and my child in the back of the car is laughing hysterically at me. I decided the smartest thing to stop the flowing river of expensive goodness would be to drink it as quickly as I possibly could to get it below the hole. So, I have jizz on my leg which looks like a Great Dane had a little too much fun humping my leg, my sticky all over, my kid is laughing at me and now I have the most painful brain freeze ever.

It’s perfectly normal, there’s nothing wrong with me, but we’re going to need a clean up in the driver seat.

I spoke with a patient tonight regarding her bill. She is a stripper and is filing Workmans Comp. Apparently this young girl is new to her profession and hasn’t mastered the art of pole dancing.

This next story is actually from an older job with a much more “firm” approach of collecting the money. My co-worker was talking to a woman on the phone and I overheard her say that the woman’s profession was prostitution, but she couldn’t pay her bill because she wasn’t making that much money. Personally something I wouldn’t have admitted to if I were in her shoes. After a while the woman on the phone got pretty nasty and my co-worker finally had enough. She waits for her moment and yells back at the lady, “HEY Bitch, why don’t you go suck some d**k, so you can pay your bills?” The most amazing thing, minus my mouth hitting the floor, is my co-worker didn’t get in trouble because it was apart of her job profession.

And finally, the last story is from an older job. I had the joy of calling this very nice Christian woman on the phone. Her Answering Machine had scriptures and blessings from the sweetest old lady that you could ever imagine. Since she wasn’t home I decided to call her on her cell phone that she had given us the number to. Immediately she starts cussing at me and tells me where I could stick my man parts which I’m fairly certain don’t bend that way.

UPDATE:: One last story that had slipped my mind. It’s not so much funny, but the sheer stupidity nearly had me laughing at the man. He calls in, gives me his full name and address. He tells me that he keeps getting our bills we’re sending to a woman he doesn’t know personally but lives down the street and that he decided to open up all her mail and call to tell us to “Save the Trees”.

After trying to fully grasp what he was saying I asked him, “So you’re telling me that you illegally opened up another persons mail, read their personal medical records and called to tell me about it when the phone prompt told you that these calls are recorded? Do you know how many Federal laws you’ve just broken?”

He quickly thanked me and hung up. Oh Em Gee.